Bittersweet Anticipation

After recently seeing a friend's post on Facebook about one of our mutual friends "being in labor." The announcement is one of great joy & happiness, and as I patiently wait for news of the size, sex, and name, I also feel the pangs of sadness & disappointment. The feelings of disappointment are nothing new, but they become overwhelming & almost unbearable. My heart is broken and I am painfully aware of my situation. I have unexplained infertility and the possibility of me becoming pregnant is unknown. Fear usually follows the disappointment as thoughts of a childless life flood my mind. Brian & I are still planning on going forward with our Adoption plans, but even that seems to be a long way off. We have had to push back our plans so many times in the past months and it has been very discouraging. My patience has definitely been tested and continues to be, as Brian has not been home very much since July. I often feel very much alone in my thoughts and fears. We decided that we will proceed with the Psychological Exam in February/March, when Brian's Profit Sharing check comes in. We will also pay for our Home Study with that check, so we will be on farther along in our process. I am patiently waiting for the months to fly by so I can be "laboring" for my child as well. Although my "labor" maybe longer and more emotionally painful, I look forward to announcing that Brian & I are parents to a beautiful baby. I continue to pray for patience, but it is not easy. I pray for my friend as well, that her labor be short and her baby be very healthy! He will be greatly loved by wonderful caring parents! Congratulations!

Curveballs

So life continues to throw Brian & I curve balls. I previously wrote that Brian would be starting the MRL engineer training program on November 29th, unfortunately it was postponed, until February. He received a letter confirming the postponement 7 days before he was suppose to start. I was devastated, we had lots of plans to work on the house and work on the adoption process while he was training. He would have been home every other day and he would have been training from Missoula. Instead he is working in Laurel/Billings, he is able to come home for a few days every week, but it has become increasingly hard to see him leave. He is working and making money, but with him living in another city our finances have taken another hit. I know I should be thankful that he is still working and has a job, but it is hard when life continues to throw curve balls at our plans. Brian is convinced that we will follow through with our plans to complete the Psychological Evaluation in February and then the Home Study, I on the other hand have become very pessimistic. I have become very depressed and often have horrible panic attacks or just cry myself to sleep as thoughts of hopelessness take over my thoughts. Also as Christmas approaches I am unsure if Brian is even going to be home for Christmas, although he assures me that he will be, and my sadness becomes overwhelming. Our plans to start a family and live our dreams continue to be sidelined and there is nothing I can do about it. I am tired of being told to "hang in there," "be patient," "it could be worse," and the countless other words of "encouragement" I am offered. Maybe I am just becoming bitter, but I have been patient and I know it could be worse, and I am "hanging" in there. What else can I do? I am doing the best I can, and it doesn't seem to be enough.
I am sorry this is a pitty party post, but like I have mentioned before, this is my journal and I have to get it out before I explode.

The Holidays & The Emotions

It is getting to that time of year again. The Holidays are quickly approaching and my sadness of being unable to conceive weighs heavy on my heart. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays as well as Christmas. As a child, Thanksgiving was a time of Family, Food and lots of fun. My family would spend the day preparing food and visiting with cousins, aunts and uncles at my Grandma's house. I often wonder how my Aunt Mary Ann and Uncle Bob felt during those family dinners, they too struggled to conceive and finally did when I was a Junior in High School. They must have been filled with such longing to bring a child to the dinners and brag about their accomplishments. I feel that way, so I wonder if they did?
I absolutely LOVE my nieces and nephews, but the holidays seem to make my desire for a child more pronounced. Especially Christmas, when I watch my nieces & nephews open their gifts and shriek with such excitement as they run to their mom and thank her profusely. I am also very sad for my in laws, as they do not have grandchildren to dote on & spoil rotten. I have also always wanted to create a fantastic Christmas Card of Brian & I with our beautiful child or children wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. And yet I wait. Yes, Thanksgiving & Christmas are still my favorite holidays, but they are bittersweet. I know someday I will be able to brag about my child/children's accomplishments and hear my child/children's shrieks as they open their gifts and come running to thank Brian & I. And I know someday I will be able to create a Christmas Card of Brian, myself and our child or children. I have to hold on to that hope, so for now I will create a Christmas card of Brian, our pets, and I.

Below is our 2010 Family Christmas Card.

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Just check'n in.

I was reminded last night that other people DO read my blog. So I better check in and update everyone on my adoption process & life in general. I have had a few rocky days in the past month, but I am constantly reminded that I need to be patient! I have never been a very patient person, but I am slowly, and I do mean slowly, learning to master the art of patience.
I have been working on our adoption paperwork and I have started putting together our Adoption Album. I am working on gathering pictures of us as children, pictures of us with our families, friends and nieces and nephews. My biggest challenge is that there are few pictures of me, since I am usually the one taking the pictures. I also don't have any pictures of me doing any of my favorite things, like cooking, fishing, bowling, taking pictures, making jewelry and pottery. I have talked with my family, friends and Brian and we are going to make a conscious effort to get some pictures of me doing those things. Wish us luck as winter is approaching and it is my least favorite season.

Brian will be starting the Railroad Engineer program at the end of November and that gives us the security that he will be consistently working for 9 to 10 months & in Missoula to boot. We have been working toward this for the past 2 1/2 years so it is nice to see it really happen. He will be home more and working on the Adoption process will be easier & hopefully will begin to go a little faster. We are so excited and thankful for this amazing opportunity. I get to be a full time wife again and that in it self is reason to celebrate.

I am beginning to look at the adoption process as an experience to savor and appreciate, although, my desire to be a parent soon over takes me and I get antsy! I am also reminded that Life is a Journey, not a destination and I just need to keep on keep'n on!

Some disappointing news

Today I chatted with the Psychology Department here at the University of Montana. The gentleman gave me lots of helpful information. I then asked Brian to call the Social Worker here in town to make sure that it was ok to use the psychology department, and unfortunately it is not. So we are back to square one and I am disappointed. I am currently at work trying to fight back tears. I was hoping that we would be able to get our Psychology assessment completed before the end of October, but now it looks as though we may not even be ready by the end of the year. I feel like we keep getting slapped in the face and it is frustrating. Brian isn't worried, he keeps telling me we will be fine. He desperately wants to refinance our house, he feels like that would help our finances. I do want to refinance, but it is very frustrating to start yet another process. My frustration is mounting & I feel like we are not going to be able to adopt for a while. I know it is not a race, but we have been on this journey for 6+ years and I am just ready to cross the finish line. I will continue to type my questions and will start to save money for the Psychologist. I will also continue to "prepare my fields for rain" but, right now I feel like someone punched me in the stomach, so it may take a while to recover mentally.

Praying for Rain

So once again I worked myself into a fit, worrying about whether or not Brian & I will ever get the opportunity to become parents, I know, I know, you want to hear something new, well I was a little more proactive! So while I was stressing, crying, and just generally freaking out, Brian explained that he had watched one of his favorite movies, Facing the Giants, for the umpteenth time and a line struck him. I actually googled "Facing the Giants Quote rain" and found a Study guide with the quote below.

"Praying for Rain
Coach Taylor to Mr. Bridges: “I admit to you I have been struggling. But I’ve also been praying. I just don’t see Him at work here.”
Mr. Bridges: “Grant, I heard a story about two farmers who desperately needed rain. And both of them prayed for rain. But only one of them went out and prepared his fields to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send the rain?”
Coach Taylor: The one that prepared his fields for it.”
Mr. Bridges: “Which one are you? God will send the rain when He’s ready. And you need to prepare your field to receive it.”"

So this got me thinking, how does this apply to me, Brian, our adoption process & maybe even our everyday lives? What am I doing to "prepare for rain" in our adoption process? Well the answer to that is....WORRYING! Now you know that is not very productive and I am also aware of that, so in talking with Brian, he suggested I start "preparing for rain" rather than just praying for it. I started typing my questions and have made a plan to type for at least one hour a day. I also had an epiphany and decided to call the University of Montana Psychology Department to see if any of the professors conducted the MMPI and they do! For less than what the general Psychology community offer the test for in Missoula!!!! Can you tell I am excited? I am!!!

So I am preparing for rain and am feeling a lot more optimistic than I was on Monday! God is Good!

Frustration continues

So it has been a while since I blogged, mostly because I had nothing to report. Adoption process is slinking along at an incredibly slow pace, almost a stand still. Brian was furloughed from the Railroad for 6 months and so our income was extremely limited, therefore we could not even think about meeting with the Psychologist and getting our MMPI completed. Brian has been back to work since mid July, but we are still catching up from the lean months. I am shooting to have all of our paperwork, psychologist appointments and Home study fees submitted by the end of the year. But in the mean time my frustration continues to mount. People around me seem to be getting pregnant and giving birth like there is no tomorrow. I am trying to be understanding, supportive and happy, but seriously it is not easy. I have wanted to be a mother for what seems like forever and I am finding that the Adoption process is just as frustrating and heart breaking as trying to conceive and we aren't even that far into the process yet. Brian continues to try to encourage me to be patient and keep a good attitude, but it is very difficult. He is also working on the other side of the State so I am home alone, pondering my loneliness & dealing with all the emotions that seem to flood in at the most inopportune times. Like today for instance, I see a Facebook post stating, "So & So is hasn't been feeling very well lately." and I am instantly upset, angry, irritated and ready to freak out in anticipation for the next post that is going to say, "So & So is pregnant." I don't always feel this volatile when someone announces they are pregnant, but for some reason this time I just feel furious and she hasn't even said she thinks or she is pregnant. I just thought Brian & I would be farther along in our Adoption process by now and I guess my frustration is mounting. Hopefully I will feel a little more at ease very soon, because, I really don't enjoy feeling like this now.

It has been way to long......

It has been way to long since I have been on to blog. Life has been a little complicated the past few months. Brian remained furloughed until, well, today. He was furloughed for 6 months, which put us in a little financial crisis. But he is headed back to work and have both been working on our Autobiography questions for the adoption process. Hopefully we will be able to schedule our Psychological Exam for sometime in late August or early September. I have also been collecting pictures for our photo albums. So I think we are making excellent progress.
It has also been very nice not to worry about my cycles and timing. I feel a little more relaxed in that aspect, although I have been stressing about the Adoption process. I just want to be done with the autobiography, psych exam and on to the Home Study, then I would feel real progress. I am ready to be a mommy more than ever!

Adoptive Applicant Workshop April 29th-30th

Brian and I attended the workshop in Helena with 10 other couples. We were both very anxious and I had a hard time getting to sleep on Wednesday night. When we arrived at the workshop we were greeted by friendly faces and were given a binder with lots of information in it. Both days were brimming with information and emotion. We met Adoptive parents, adopted children & adults and we were also given the opportunity to meet a Birth mother. We were also given the steps needed to continue on our Adoption journey. We have a LOT to do!!!
First we need to make appointments with a psychologist, where we will be given a MMPI test. From what I understand it is a 600 question test to make sure we are emotionally stable. Then we need to get fingerprinted for a Justice Dept. check, as well as have a Dept. of Motor Vehicles check. While we are doing all of these things we need to work on our Autobiographies. We also need to fill out our Range of Acceptance form. The Range of Acceptance form helps us determine a number of things like, what age or race we are willing to consider. The form also helps us decide several other factors, such as; what if there are congenital or physical disabilities in the Expectant Parents or the Child, or Mental Illness in the Expectant Parent and even Drug & Alcohol Use in the Expectant Parents. Sounds terrible, but it prepares us for medical issues that we may not be equipped to handle, and it gives us the opportunity to research and educate ourselves these issues. Once our Psychological testing and our Justice Dept check, Dept of Motor Vehicle checks, and our Range of Preference Sheets have been sent into the Helena office and our Home Study fee has been paid, we will begin our Home Study. We will also need to complete 4 photo albums and a "Dear Expectant Parents" Letter, all while we make sure we have the following safety requirements fulfilled; All guns and ammo locked up separately, Smoke alarms on every floor where bedrooms are located, install a Carbon monoxide detector, have a fire extinguisher, and our pets need to be immunized and of course they will be sure that our pets are good with children. Our Home Study the social worker will chat with both Brian and I together and separately. She will inspect our home to make sure we have complied with the safety requirements. Our Social worker will visit with us a couple of times and get a feel for us and prepare our Profile. We will then find out if we have been Approved. And then we wait! Sounds like a lot doesn't it, it is and we are up for it all! I will be calling to get the names of Psychologists on Monday and hopefully on Thursday or Friday we can get our fingerprints done. We do have our friends wedding on Saturday, so we may need to wait until the following week to really jump in.

The Begining of Our Adoption Process

It has been almost 3 weeks since we sent in our completed Adoption Application to Catholic Social Services and so far things are moving fairly quickly. I received a phone call on the 26th of March from Margaret at CSS. She had a few questions and wanted to let me know they had received and reviewed our application. I had mailed our Application on the 25th. We have been formally invited to a Adoption Applicants Workshop at the end of April. Our references have all received their letters and questionnaires and I do believe they have all returned them. We met with our priest here in Missoula and introduced ourselves and he asked us questions to get to know us. He should probably receive his letter and questionnaire sometime this week.
I have an amazing sense of hope and I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted. I am currently in the home stretch of this month's cycle and it is an amazing relief not to be worrying about whether I am pregnant or not. It was really nice not to have to schedule Follicular Scans & and IUI this month. Brian & I just relaxed and didn't think about it, AT ALL! I know we have a long way to go in our adoption journey, but I think we are both in a good place and are just happy to be moving forward. We are no longer treading in unknown waters! Our families are super excited and we can't wait for the next chapter in our lives to begin!

Update!

We mailed our Adoption Application to Catholic Social Services today!

Fertility Treatments no more

After feeling pretty crappy/crampy last week, my period made an early appearance on Monday. I knew it was going to start and had a pretty rough weekend. I cried A LOT and screamed A LOT! But through it all, Brian and I decided to discontinue fertility treatments and concentrate on adoption. We, mostly me, feel like we are just banging our heads against a brick wall. I have done everything the doctors have told me. I have attempted every crazy suggestion I have been given and we are still struggling. I just need to concentrate on our other option. We have actually had the paper work for adoption since August 2008, so this isn't a new concept. I finally just said, we have to finish this and get it in. The Adoption process could take a while and I need to feel like I am doing something, rather than just "relaxing" & "letting it happen". I am not someone that can sit and wait. We finished the application to Catholic Social Services and will hopefully send it out today. It was a huge decision and for the most part I feel relieved. But I am scared of what lies ahead. We have a lot to do in the process. We have to wait to see if we have been accepted. Then once we have been accepted, we have a workshop to do and home study plus lots of reading. Brian is Mr. Optimistic, and I love it, mostly because I need his optimism to get me through the tough times, but also because he is really adorable. He believes with all his heart that we WILL be parents no matter what! I pray that a young woman out there chooses adoption over abortion and she picks us to raise her child. So begins our Adoption Journey.....

Another Rough Day

Kinda having a rough day today. Feeling crampy and frustrated. My period isn't suppose to make an appearance for 6 days. Hoping the cramping is just due to implantation. I need lots of prayers, I feel like I am starting to crack under the pressure. Not much else to say.

IUI #5

I had a follicular scan today and then was injected with 10000 units of HCG. Tomorrow I go in for IUI #5 and hopefully it will be my last one. The ultrasound tech said I had quite a few follicles on my right ovary and a few on my left. She didn't give me exact measurements of each, but she was very meticulous about measuring the follicles that looked big enough. I am pretty relaxed & am trying to remain that way. I have a Journey retreat this weekend, so that is where I am placing my focus. Brian and I have both prayed, so have many of our friends and loved ones, so it is out of our hands & in God's. His will be done. That is easier said than done, but I am trying! I will keep you posted!

Thank God for Brian!

Since learning of the failure of our last IUI, I have fallen into a little depression. But as always my husband, Brian, has been my rock. He is always full of hope and has such a "GO Get EM!" attitude. He believes we can conquer every obstacle. Brian definitely keeps me going when I want to give in to my fears. I often worry that due to my family history of hysterectomies in early 40's , that my time is running out. My mom has horrible periods starting in her mid 30's. I am going to be 32 in June and I am freaking out. I don't care about the number, just that I worry that my "fertile" years are numbered. Not like my fertile years have been very fruitful. I feel such a terrible urgency that I can not shake. Every time I mention this to Brian, he tells me that I am young. He says if we lived back east, we wouldn't even be thinking about babies, we would be more interested in getting our careers on track. He says that most people in a urban setting don't start thinking about starting a family until their mid 30's. I wonder if this is true, or if he is just trying to calm my fears. He also is constantly telling me that I will be a mother and we will have a child, either through conception or adoption. He is at every single IUI and has never complained once about the cost or having to go give a "sample." When ever I start to worry about the cost of the treatments and appointments, Brian tells me we will be fine and we will figure it out. Brian is the most amazing husband and I thank God for him everyday!

Continued Heartbreak

The IUI with the HCG shot failed. Brian continues to be as hopeful as ever. I feel nothing. My heart hurts and I have stopped feeling disappointed and sad. That probably doesn't make sense, but I am so use to feeling heartbroken that it has become as normal as breathing. I want so badly to have a child. I have prayed and begged for the chance to become a mother. I just don't know what to do anymore. Giving up is not an option, my husband, won't allow it. I am just very frustrated and angry. I guess I do feel something.
We will try another IUI with the HCG shot in a couple of weeks. I continue to pray that the IUI works and we conceive. I also continue to pray for strength and support for Brian & I.

IUI #4

Sunday morning I went in to the emergency room for my ultrasound to see how big my follicles were. I had one follicle that looked really promising, that the tech told me was about 21, I assume she meant 21mm. She let the on call OB/GYN, Dr Givlar, know. Dr Givlar then called me and I headed into Now Care to get my HCG shot. When I got home I thought I better start testing for my LH surge and I got a positive. I had planned on having my IUI on Tuesday, I had even requested the day off. But my body had other plans. I called Dr. Gaarnas' nurse, Gina, on Monday morning and she scheduled my IUI for Monday at 1:15. When I went to work on Monday morning I was a little disappointed that I would have to rush to my appointment and rush back. I went to my supervisor, Lexi, and told her what was going on. She immediately told me she would see if she could get coverage so I could just take the day off and work on Tuesday instead. I was able to head home at about 10 am and I took a nap. Brian woke me up to go to my appointment and I felt so rested and relaxed. Nancy, the CNP, that did my IUI was so sweet and upbeat. She insisted that we were close enough to Valentine's Day so this time the IUI was going to work. As I laid on the exam table with my pelvis at a 20 degree angle, I prayed and hoped. After the appointment I went home an napped again. It is amazing how emotionally draining the IUI's are, not only are they a little painful, but hope rushes over me every time. I can't help but think this is it, we did it, but then I have to remind myself not to get to excited. I have learned to shut my self off in fear of disappointment, it doesn't work, I still feel extremely hurt and depressed when the pregnancy test is negative. I cling to the hope that someday, someday soon it will be positive and all of my hurt, sadness and pain will be worth it's weight in gold.

Bring on the HCG meds.

I just got done ordering my HCG shot. I will be going in on Sunday for an ultrasound, where they will measure the size of my follicles and if they are big enough I will have a shot that afternoon. Then the plan is to go in on Tuesday for my 4th IUI. I took the whole day off on Tuesday, it is just so hectic to run to the doctors office, have the IUI, try to eat lunch and then back to work. Way to stressful. We are praying that this will be the lucky IUI and all of our dreams will come true. Brian is home, he was furloughed on Tuesday, and it is really nice to have him here. We are just trying to stay super positive and relaxed. Wish me luck and pray really hard!

The day after...

So after an extremely emotional day, yesterday, I am still awaiting my period. I am now freaking out about what could possibly be delaying it. Obviously I am not pregnant, as the blood test so kindly confirmed, so what could be the problem? Brian told me to wait it out and see what happens in the next few days. I just am worried that it is something serious, I used to have irregular periods, but I worked hard to regulate my hormones and get my cycle regular. So far I am on cycle day 32, I haven't had a cycle this long in over 3 years. I don't feel like my period is coming, I don't have cramps, I don't feel bloated, I actually lost 4 lbs last week, my boobs are a tiny bit sore, but not like they were over the weekend. I do have a bit of brown discharge, sorry I know to much information, but not enough to warrant a tampon, pad or even a pantyliner. I even worked out on my elliptical last night, hoping that would get things moving, but no. I think I am going to give it until Wednesday and then I am calling my doctor. I think the worst part is I have no one to talk to, who has any idea what I am going through. Most of my friends have kiddos and the friends that are struggling have a condition that is causing their struggle. I have nothing medically wrong with me or Brian, so I think that is what makes the situation so frustrating. There is nothing wrong to get fixed, so we just keep trying, we keep feeling the disappointment and feeling like failures.

Heartbroken

So my period was suppose to start on Friday, January 22, but nothing happened. I had my usual cramps, but not my usual premenstrual spotting. I felt a little queasy that afternoon and my heart was racing, I was so excited, but knew that I would need to wait out the weekend. Which I did, my cramps were horrible all weekend long. Extremely severe after a terrible fight with my little sister on Saturday night, I was so scared, I thought what if I just caused myself to miscarry. I laid down and relaxed and the cramps eventually subsided. On Sunday everything seemed to be fine. I took a nice nap and then relaxed when I got home from my Mom & Dad's house. Then the spotting began, and I fell apart. I tried to remember that spotting is also normal in pregnancy and it was nothing. This morning when I woke up my boobs no longer hurt and I just didn't feel the same. I went to work and talked to my boss and she insisted I call my Doctor. He was not in, but his nurse told me to come in for a blood test. I would finally know. She called me about 45 minutes later and told me it was negative. My heart sank. I feel so empty. Brian is out of town and I have no one to talk to. I also feel terrible, Brian was so excited and I know his heart is broken now too, I heard it in his voice when I told him my results. I am still waiting for my period to start and I can't stop crying. I want to just stay home and sleep, but I have to go back to work.