Bittersweet Anticipation

After recently seeing a friend's post on Facebook about one of our mutual friends "being in labor." The announcement is one of great joy & happiness, and as I patiently wait for news of the size, sex, and name, I also feel the pangs of sadness & disappointment. The feelings of disappointment are nothing new, but they become overwhelming & almost unbearable. My heart is broken and I am painfully aware of my situation. I have unexplained infertility and the possibility of me becoming pregnant is unknown. Fear usually follows the disappointment as thoughts of a childless life flood my mind. Brian & I are still planning on going forward with our Adoption plans, but even that seems to be a long way off. We have had to push back our plans so many times in the past months and it has been very discouraging. My patience has definitely been tested and continues to be, as Brian has not been home very much since July. I often feel very much alone in my thoughts and fears. We decided that we will proceed with the Psychological Exam in February/March, when Brian's Profit Sharing check comes in. We will also pay for our Home Study with that check, so we will be on farther along in our process. I am patiently waiting for the months to fly by so I can be "laboring" for my child as well. Although my "labor" maybe longer and more emotionally painful, I look forward to announcing that Brian & I are parents to a beautiful baby. I continue to pray for patience, but it is not easy. I pray for my friend as well, that her labor be short and her baby be very healthy! He will be greatly loved by wonderful caring parents! Congratulations!

Curveballs

So life continues to throw Brian & I curve balls. I previously wrote that Brian would be starting the MRL engineer training program on November 29th, unfortunately it was postponed, until February. He received a letter confirming the postponement 7 days before he was suppose to start. I was devastated, we had lots of plans to work on the house and work on the adoption process while he was training. He would have been home every other day and he would have been training from Missoula. Instead he is working in Laurel/Billings, he is able to come home for a few days every week, but it has become increasingly hard to see him leave. He is working and making money, but with him living in another city our finances have taken another hit. I know I should be thankful that he is still working and has a job, but it is hard when life continues to throw curve balls at our plans. Brian is convinced that we will follow through with our plans to complete the Psychological Evaluation in February and then the Home Study, I on the other hand have become very pessimistic. I have become very depressed and often have horrible panic attacks or just cry myself to sleep as thoughts of hopelessness take over my thoughts. Also as Christmas approaches I am unsure if Brian is even going to be home for Christmas, although he assures me that he will be, and my sadness becomes overwhelming. Our plans to start a family and live our dreams continue to be sidelined and there is nothing I can do about it. I am tired of being told to "hang in there," "be patient," "it could be worse," and the countless other words of "encouragement" I am offered. Maybe I am just becoming bitter, but I have been patient and I know it could be worse, and I am "hanging" in there. What else can I do? I am doing the best I can, and it doesn't seem to be enough.
I am sorry this is a pitty party post, but like I have mentioned before, this is my journal and I have to get it out before I explode.

The Holidays & The Emotions

It is getting to that time of year again. The Holidays are quickly approaching and my sadness of being unable to conceive weighs heavy on my heart. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays as well as Christmas. As a child, Thanksgiving was a time of Family, Food and lots of fun. My family would spend the day preparing food and visiting with cousins, aunts and uncles at my Grandma's house. I often wonder how my Aunt Mary Ann and Uncle Bob felt during those family dinners, they too struggled to conceive and finally did when I was a Junior in High School. They must have been filled with such longing to bring a child to the dinners and brag about their accomplishments. I feel that way, so I wonder if they did?
I absolutely LOVE my nieces and nephews, but the holidays seem to make my desire for a child more pronounced. Especially Christmas, when I watch my nieces & nephews open their gifts and shriek with such excitement as they run to their mom and thank her profusely. I am also very sad for my in laws, as they do not have grandchildren to dote on & spoil rotten. I have also always wanted to create a fantastic Christmas Card of Brian & I with our beautiful child or children wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. And yet I wait. Yes, Thanksgiving & Christmas are still my favorite holidays, but they are bittersweet. I know someday I will be able to brag about my child/children's accomplishments and hear my child/children's shrieks as they open their gifts and come running to thank Brian & I. And I know someday I will be able to create a Christmas Card of Brian, myself and our child or children. I have to hold on to that hope, so for now I will create a Christmas card of Brian, our pets, and I.

Below is our 2010 Family Christmas Card.

Faith Love Family Religious

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Just check'n in.

I was reminded last night that other people DO read my blog. So I better check in and update everyone on my adoption process & life in general. I have had a few rocky days in the past month, but I am constantly reminded that I need to be patient! I have never been a very patient person, but I am slowly, and I do mean slowly, learning to master the art of patience.
I have been working on our adoption paperwork and I have started putting together our Adoption Album. I am working on gathering pictures of us as children, pictures of us with our families, friends and nieces and nephews. My biggest challenge is that there are few pictures of me, since I am usually the one taking the pictures. I also don't have any pictures of me doing any of my favorite things, like cooking, fishing, bowling, taking pictures, making jewelry and pottery. I have talked with my family, friends and Brian and we are going to make a conscious effort to get some pictures of me doing those things. Wish us luck as winter is approaching and it is my least favorite season.

Brian will be starting the Railroad Engineer program at the end of November and that gives us the security that he will be consistently working for 9 to 10 months & in Missoula to boot. We have been working toward this for the past 2 1/2 years so it is nice to see it really happen. He will be home more and working on the Adoption process will be easier & hopefully will begin to go a little faster. We are so excited and thankful for this amazing opportunity. I get to be a full time wife again and that in it self is reason to celebrate.

I am beginning to look at the adoption process as an experience to savor and appreciate, although, my desire to be a parent soon over takes me and I get antsy! I am also reminded that Life is a Journey, not a destination and I just need to keep on keep'n on!

Some disappointing news

Today I chatted with the Psychology Department here at the University of Montana. The gentleman gave me lots of helpful information. I then asked Brian to call the Social Worker here in town to make sure that it was ok to use the psychology department, and unfortunately it is not. So we are back to square one and I am disappointed. I am currently at work trying to fight back tears. I was hoping that we would be able to get our Psychology assessment completed before the end of October, but now it looks as though we may not even be ready by the end of the year. I feel like we keep getting slapped in the face and it is frustrating. Brian isn't worried, he keeps telling me we will be fine. He desperately wants to refinance our house, he feels like that would help our finances. I do want to refinance, but it is very frustrating to start yet another process. My frustration is mounting & I feel like we are not going to be able to adopt for a while. I know it is not a race, but we have been on this journey for 6+ years and I am just ready to cross the finish line. I will continue to type my questions and will start to save money for the Psychologist. I will also continue to "prepare my fields for rain" but, right now I feel like someone punched me in the stomach, so it may take a while to recover mentally.

Praying for Rain

So once again I worked myself into a fit, worrying about whether or not Brian & I will ever get the opportunity to become parents, I know, I know, you want to hear something new, well I was a little more proactive! So while I was stressing, crying, and just generally freaking out, Brian explained that he had watched one of his favorite movies, Facing the Giants, for the umpteenth time and a line struck him. I actually googled "Facing the Giants Quote rain" and found a Study guide with the quote below.

"Praying for Rain
Coach Taylor to Mr. Bridges: “I admit to you I have been struggling. But I’ve also been praying. I just don’t see Him at work here.”
Mr. Bridges: “Grant, I heard a story about two farmers who desperately needed rain. And both of them prayed for rain. But only one of them went out and prepared his fields to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send the rain?”
Coach Taylor: The one that prepared his fields for it.”
Mr. Bridges: “Which one are you? God will send the rain when He’s ready. And you need to prepare your field to receive it.”"

So this got me thinking, how does this apply to me, Brian, our adoption process & maybe even our everyday lives? What am I doing to "prepare for rain" in our adoption process? Well the answer to that is....WORRYING! Now you know that is not very productive and I am also aware of that, so in talking with Brian, he suggested I start "preparing for rain" rather than just praying for it. I started typing my questions and have made a plan to type for at least one hour a day. I also had an epiphany and decided to call the University of Montana Psychology Department to see if any of the professors conducted the MMPI and they do! For less than what the general Psychology community offer the test for in Missoula!!!! Can you tell I am excited? I am!!!

So I am preparing for rain and am feeling a lot more optimistic than I was on Monday! God is Good!

Frustration continues

So it has been a while since I blogged, mostly because I had nothing to report. Adoption process is slinking along at an incredibly slow pace, almost a stand still. Brian was furloughed from the Railroad for 6 months and so our income was extremely limited, therefore we could not even think about meeting with the Psychologist and getting our MMPI completed. Brian has been back to work since mid July, but we are still catching up from the lean months. I am shooting to have all of our paperwork, psychologist appointments and Home study fees submitted by the end of the year. But in the mean time my frustration continues to mount. People around me seem to be getting pregnant and giving birth like there is no tomorrow. I am trying to be understanding, supportive and happy, but seriously it is not easy. I have wanted to be a mother for what seems like forever and I am finding that the Adoption process is just as frustrating and heart breaking as trying to conceive and we aren't even that far into the process yet. Brian continues to try to encourage me to be patient and keep a good attitude, but it is very difficult. He is also working on the other side of the State so I am home alone, pondering my loneliness & dealing with all the emotions that seem to flood in at the most inopportune times. Like today for instance, I see a Facebook post stating, "So & So is hasn't been feeling very well lately." and I am instantly upset, angry, irritated and ready to freak out in anticipation for the next post that is going to say, "So & So is pregnant." I don't always feel this volatile when someone announces they are pregnant, but for some reason this time I just feel furious and she hasn't even said she thinks or she is pregnant. I just thought Brian & I would be farther along in our Adoption process by now and I guess my frustration is mounting. Hopefully I will feel a little more at ease very soon, because, I really don't enjoy feeling like this now.