All I wanted for Christmas....

All I wanted for Christmas was a positive pregnancy test, all I got was my period. Very disappointed and frustrated. I just found out another friend is pregnant, I am super excited for her, but am a little bummed out. I am trying to stay upbeat and positive, but it is very difficult. Still wondering if it is EVER going to happen. Not feeling very encouraged or hopeful, and wondering what I can do to improve my chances of conceiving. I take vitamins and eat fairly healthy, have stopped drinking for the most part, except for an occasional beer or glass of wine. I have been working out since September and am trying to relax more. What else could there be.
It probably doesn't help matters that Brian is once again on his way to Livingston and we have no idea when he will be home again. I think January is a bust for even trying and that is extremely frustrating as well! In general I am feeling pretty crappy.

3rd IUI

I had my 3rd IUI on October 16th. I felt really good about it and super positive. Haven't really thought about it until I started feeling a hollow "ovulation" like feeling on my left side. This went on for 3 days and then my breasts started to ache. Now my breast are Extremely sore and I have mild cramping. So now I am thinking about it and worrying like crazy. I have become an over analyzing freak that I annoy myself.
I really don't have much else to report. Same old routine, just another month.

Feeling Pretty Good

Brian and I went on vacation on September 5th and returned home early on the 15th. I had planned on taking my Ovulation Predictor Kit with, but forgot it and didn't think much about it. I figured I would just test when I got home, so I tested on Tuesday afternoon, which was humorous in itself. I had a digital test under the sink and so I grabbed it and was getting it ready to use, when I noticed the digital reader wasn't working, so I headed to the store and purchased another one. When I got home the one that wasn't working was still sitting on the bathroom counter and it seemed to be working again so I decided to take 2 tests at the same time and see what happened. Well 4 minutes later they were both positive, I was having a LH surge. I was shocked, I wasn't expecting it to be positive right off the bat. So I called the Doctor's office to set up an appointment for my 2nd IUI. I of course later that evening had to take another test just to make myself crazy and it was negative, so I began questioning myself and everything, Brian just laughed. I also took another test in the morning and it was positive, so I figured 3 out of 4 tests was pretty good odds. I went in for my IUI on Wednesday afternoon and have been feeling pretty good since. No cramping, a tiny bit of spotting and just an overall feeling of calm. I think my vacation had a lot to do with it, I didn't think about babies, IUI's, periods or pregnancy. So I feel pretty optimistic. I also feel that if we have to continue the IUI for a few more months before we get pregnant, that is okay. I feel like it is going to happen and happen soon. I guess we will see how I feel in a week!

Disappointment IUI#1

My period kinda started today. It will be full blown by morning. I knew going in that it may not work the first time and that we may have to do the IUI a few times, but I was hoping to be super lucky! I am having a small pity party this evening and then I will buck up and prepare for another procedure. I think vacation will help me relax and gain perspective on my life. I feel like I am floundering and there is nothing anyone can do. I feel a little hopeless and wonder if there is a light at the end of this particular tunnel. Maybe I should just concentrate on adoption and forget all this nonsense, but then am I giving up? I can't explain how I feel anymore. Why me, Why me, Why .....
I don't get it, I do everything I am told, I pray, I take my vitamins, and it doesn't seem to matter.

Am I ever going to be a mother?

14 Days after my IUI

Okay so today it has been 14 days since the IUI. I had terrible cramps last week and I had spotting on Friday morning. Of course I completely fell apart, but had to compose myself for work. Brian is still in Livingston so it has been rough to go through all the emotions with him so far away, but he is so supportive and keeps telling me to stay positive. My period was suppose to start Sunday and I am still waiting. I still have a little bit of spotting, but for the most part I feel great. I am just trying to be patient. I don't want to test until maybe Wednesday if my period doesn't start, I might even try to control myself until the weekend, when Brian will be home. I actually also feel amazingly relaxed now about the whole situation, if my period starts, my period starts and we will try again. I guess I have just decided that we have a great plan in place and we are doing everything we can, God is in charge and I have to leave it in his hands. Yep, I said it, I am Letting Go, & Letting God, which is not something I do, I am a control freak. But I guess it is time that I start trusting in God's Plan for me!

IUI down, now the waiting game!

So we went for it and had an IUI on August 18th, which was our 8th Wedding Anniversary. I was super nervous and anxious. It only took about 10 minutes, but was super painful and of course uncomfortable. I was cramping something fierce and continued to cramp through the week. Brian left for Livingston on Thursday for work and when he left he kissed my belly, he is so optimistic & adorable. I am extremely anxious and super emotional. I have a strange side-achey feeling and have had twinges of pain, I would call them cramps. Also not to get to personal but, my nipples are super sensitive. I will be able to test this Sunday the 30th of August. I am trying not to think about it, but it is hard. Everyone has been so supportive and have been praying like crazy. I just hope that it works and I am able to deliver good news to everyone, no pun intended. So I guess we wait and see.

Spotting?

So it is Sunday and it is time to start testing for ovulation. So I did the test & it is negative, except I have spotting? Although this may seem normal for some people, it is not normal for me. Last month I had spotting around the same time, but that was the first time that had ever happened. I am so confused & frustrated. I talked to my OB/GYN's nurse last month and she said it was normal. I hate being compared to other women. It is not normal for me and I don't know what it means. Does it mean I am ovulating, going to ovulate or does it mean there is something else going on. Maybe I am just letting my nerves and fears get the best of me, but I just don't know what it all means and I don't know how to get my doctor & his nurse to understand that I am concerned & frustrated. URGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Nerves

So I am super nervous about the IUI. I did some research on the procedure and WOW! I am hoping that I won't have a ton of cramping afterwords, cause I am a huge baby. Brian talked to Marty, the sperm guy, at Northwestern Andrology and he gave Brian the rundown of what he needs to do. Now it is just the waiting game for my ovulation test to come back positive for LH surge.
In my research I learned that my chances are basically the same as they are when there is no medical intervention, but for those that have fertility issues it may increase the odds. So we shall see. I just hope that this is the answer to our prayers and that our dream to become parents finally comes true.

IUI?

So I have been trying really hard not to think about babies and getting pregnant hoping that I would relax enough for it just to happen. Therefore I have not been blogging.

So at the end of May, Brian had another semen analysis done at Dr. Garnaas's urging. The received the results and referred him to a Urologist, due to White Blood Cells in his semen, a sign of infection or abnormalities. The Urologist met with Brian and asked him why he was there, Brian replied that he was told to see a urologist and made the appointment. The Urologist told Brian that he could not see anything wrong and said everything was fine. We both felt relieved and went about our lives. About 2 weeks ago I decided to call Dr. Garnaas and find out what the next step or option was. Gina, Dr. Garnaas's nurse told me they had not seen a report on Brian's appointment with the Urologist. I got in contact with the Urologist office and got the ball roll, no pun intended. Dr. Garnaas then checked out the appointment notes and contacted a colleague of his and discussed the situation. Gina then contacted me today and said that Dr. Garnaas believes that Inter-Uterine Insemination is our best chance for conception. Brian would give a semen sample that would then be "washed," which means they would separate the actual sperm from the semen, thus removing the White Blood Cells.

Brian & I have talked about this option, but now that it may be our only option, I feel ........, well I don't know how I feel.

I guess the reality of the situation is really starting to get to me. I never thought that getting pregnant would be so difficult, I am from a very fertile family. Plus you never think of conceiving your child with Doctors in the room and not in the usual way. I want a child so there is no question that we will proceed, but part of me feels sad and hopeless, yet again. Hopefully I will feel better about the situation when we have time to really let it sink in.

Negative

So another month, another period. It never seems to get easier. I was completely convinced once again that I was pregnant & then the cramping began! I kept trying to convince myself that it was nothing and that I was in fact pregnant, but to no avail. Brian keeps telling me that we are going to conceive, but I get so disappointed. I feel like giving up. I know that is not a good attitude to have, but it is hard to be disappointed every 4 weeks. I am sure I will feel better in a few days, but for now I am a little bummed.

Another Conception Aide

Okay, so again I have been super busy, so I haven't blogged for a while. But I did want to mention I have starting using another conception aide. The May Be Mom Ovulation Microscope. It is very odd, yet interesting. It looked like a tube of lipstick, but it has a little light and a little microscope with a little glass slide. I drop a little bit of saliva onto the slide, wait for it to dry and then look at the dried saliva. If the saliva has a fern like pattern, I am Fertile, if it just appears to be dotted, than I am not fertile. A coworker of mine used it and she had success. She said that it will determine your fertile days before the Ovulation Tests sticks, so I thought hey I will give it a try. It isn't invasive and it is pretty easy. I will keep you posted on how it works. Hopefully this will be the answer to my fertility needs. I also have an appointment with my OB/GYN, Dr, Garnass, tomorrow. Hopefully Brian will be able to join me, he said he had a few questions for the doctor. We just want to make sure that we have been tested for every possible affliction. I thought we had, but you never know. I am also trying to RELAX more and not sweat the small stuff as much. I feel a little more hopeful so I think we are heading in the right direction.

It's been a few weeks

Okay so it has been a few weeks since I blogged, but I have been super busy! Trip to see my sister, I had a terrible cold and I was trying to get pregnant. I am always trying to get pregnant!!
So last week when I had dizzy spells and I didn't have my normal premenstrual symptoms, I was convinced I was pregnant. I was ecstatic, over the moon. I kept telling Brian, "This is it, we're pregnant, we did it!" But no, another month down and another plain in place. Brian was unusually understanding. He gave me a giant hug & told me we would try harder this coming cycle. I think I was working so hard to convince myself because our friends were on the verge of giving birth to their son. I wanted to feel like we were going to be delivering our own child in 9 months and it would finally be us taking the baby home from the hospital. Nate & Kate had their beautiful son, David on Friday, March 13th. I am so happy for them, but as always my heart is broken a little for Brian & I . I have been home all day today due to my back being out and I have been watching daytime T.V., wow, they live in a dream world. I mean, I knew they did, but WOW!!! Then there are the commercials, you know the ones, they are totally geared for new moms/new parents. I am sitting on the couch, crying....CRYING! It makes me sad & mad all at the same time. But I have decided to take control. I have made appointments for both Brian & I, for our physicals for the adoption papers. I was hoping we could just forget the whole thing, because we were pregnant, but I guess I need to get the paperwork off. A friend told me that when she couldn't get pregnant with her second child her OB/GYN suggested she have her Thyroid checked, she did and she had a slight Thyroid condition. She began taking meds and she conceived her second child shortly afterward. So I specifically asked for a Thyroid test, I mean I had one a few years ago, but something could have changed. It is worth a try, right. I wish I could just take a break from thinking about getting pregnant, but my mind is constantly thinking about it! I need a mental vacation.

Another Friend, Another Baby!

My husband and I were shopping today and we ran into a friend of ours. We got to talking with him and he told us he and his girlfriend are having a baby in July. I felt my chest tightening but I smiled and congratulated him. I then excused myself and went to the ladies room. I actually reacted better than I have in the past. I didn't break into tears and start freaking out, but I did feel a little panic. It seems like I am surrounded by pregnant people or significant others of pregnant people. I am happy for them, but it is extremely hard. I think people have a hard time understanding why, and I have a hard time explaining it to them. So I will try to explain it now.

Think about the one thing you have always wanted! Close your eyes and really think about it. Do you see it? It is right in front of you, reach out and try to touch it. You are so close, but you just can't reach it. Look around you now, look at your friends, your loved ones, even complete strangers, they are reaching for the same thing. As you watch them, you see them actually reaching out and touching and pulling, the thing you want most, and holding it close to them. They have it, they have what you want most and you watched them. It was so easy for them and you are still struggling to reach your dream, your wish, your deepest desire. It is painful, it is very painful.

This is what I experience almost everyday. I know there are many women out there that feel the same way I do, but for those that have achieved their dream of pregnancy, they have no idea and they never will.

I sometimes feel very selfish and very self-loathing. I was raised to not be envious of anyone, but I feel envious and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

Last year, close friends of my husband's & mine told us they were expecting a baby. I was happy for them, but was heartbroken at the same time. I remember I cried for weeks every time I thought about it. I remember telling my husband that I need to separate myself from our friends so I could deal with my sadness. He told me that everything would be okay. So I distanced myself, I think I actually fell into a slight depression, I kept to myself and avoided social events that would require me to spend long periods of time with them. I just need space, I was so afraid I would say or do something that I would regret later. I need time, but I slowly came out of my funk and began concentrating on conceiving my own miracle.
Then later in the year another couple told us they were expecting, again I was excited for our friends, but devastated inside. Brian & I had been trying so hard to conceive & it seemed to come so easily for our friends. I again began to withdraw, but realized that I had to buck up and be supportive. I emailed both of my friends and apologized for my behavior, I felt terrible. Both responded, one was very understanding and told me "No Worries," the other sent me a reply that cut me to the core. She felt that I had been completely unfeeling. She told me that I made her and her husband feel guilty for conceiving. She did accept my apology and wanted to make amends. I was deeply hurt, I had never intended to make her feel guilty and my withdrawl from their lives was not an attack on them. It was self preservation. I have often wished that I had reacted differently, but whats done is done. I am happy to say that our friends are still our friends and we are again on the right track. I know our friends, all of our friends, hope that Brian & I conceive a child and they are as supportive as they can be. It is hard for them because they have no idea what we are going through, the doubt, the disappointment and the heartache. Every day I pray and everyday I hope.

A Little about Me and why I am blogging.

So here is a little information about me and why I started blogging.

I am a 30 years old and have been married for 7 1/2 years. It is crazy to look at my wedding pictures and think about that day. Brian & I had so many hopes & dreams. I had so many hopes & dreams. My biggest hope & dream was and still is a child. I have always wanted a child and when I married Brian, I knew I had found my prince charming and the father of my children. When we got married we decided to wait a few years. We wanted to buy a house and enjoy married life for a while. After about two years I wanted to start trying.

7 1/2 years later......We are still trying!
I went to my family doctor about 3 years ago to renew my prescription for Zoloft. It was the first time I had ever meet this particular doctor. He wanted to know why I was on Zoloft and I explained why and mentioned that I had some anxiety about not getting pregnant. He referred me to a OB/GYN that specialized in Fertiltiy problems. I thought, "WHAT! Me, Fertility problems, I don't have fertility problems." Thus began my journey through fertility treatments and disappointments. I had a Hysterosalpinogram and my husband had a complete semen analysis done, and all came out fine. My doctor told me it sounded like we had a Timing and Stress issue. I began taking the drug Femara six months, after my first fertility test. Femara is similar to Clomid. After a few months of just taking Femara, my doctor decided to add FSH & HGC shots to my monthly regimen. My regimen went something like this. Day 1, my period started and I would cry and then buck up. I had a schedule to keep. On Day 3 I would start taking 1 .25mg pill of Femara on until Day 7. On Day 9 I would get a shot of the FSH. (I can't remember the dosage.) Then on Day 12 I would go in and have a Ovarian Scan to check to see if I had mature follicles. If my follicles looked "ripe" I would then get my hCG shot. This hormone ladden cocktail would create a very fertile environment with in my body. I followed this regimen religously for several months with no success. In the mean time several of my friends became pregnant with little to no effort. I stopped treatment after my husband changed jobs and our insurance no longer helped us with the costly treatments. We have been trying without assistance for 10 months. Every month is filled with hope and with devastating disappointment.
I often tell my husband of my fears and disappointment and he reassures me that everything is fine and we WILL be parents soon. Brian is an amazing husband and a great listener, but I feel like I need more of an outlet. I also hope that this blogging process will be a helpful to me and to others, that also feel like they are alone.