Thank God for Brian!

Since learning of the failure of our last IUI, I have fallen into a little depression. But as always my husband, Brian, has been my rock. He is always full of hope and has such a "GO Get EM!" attitude. He believes we can conquer every obstacle. Brian definitely keeps me going when I want to give in to my fears. I often worry that due to my family history of hysterectomies in early 40's , that my time is running out. My mom has horrible periods starting in her mid 30's. I am going to be 32 in June and I am freaking out. I don't care about the number, just that I worry that my "fertile" years are numbered. Not like my fertile years have been very fruitful. I feel such a terrible urgency that I can not shake. Every time I mention this to Brian, he tells me that I am young. He says if we lived back east, we wouldn't even be thinking about babies, we would be more interested in getting our careers on track. He says that most people in a urban setting don't start thinking about starting a family until their mid 30's. I wonder if this is true, or if he is just trying to calm my fears. He also is constantly telling me that I will be a mother and we will have a child, either through conception or adoption. He is at every single IUI and has never complained once about the cost or having to go give a "sample." When ever I start to worry about the cost of the treatments and appointments, Brian tells me we will be fine and we will figure it out. Brian is the most amazing husband and I thank God for him everyday!

Continued Heartbreak

The IUI with the HCG shot failed. Brian continues to be as hopeful as ever. I feel nothing. My heart hurts and I have stopped feeling disappointed and sad. That probably doesn't make sense, but I am so use to feeling heartbroken that it has become as normal as breathing. I want so badly to have a child. I have prayed and begged for the chance to become a mother. I just don't know what to do anymore. Giving up is not an option, my husband, won't allow it. I am just very frustrated and angry. I guess I do feel something.
We will try another IUI with the HCG shot in a couple of weeks. I continue to pray that the IUI works and we conceive. I also continue to pray for strength and support for Brian & I.

IUI #4

Sunday morning I went in to the emergency room for my ultrasound to see how big my follicles were. I had one follicle that looked really promising, that the tech told me was about 21, I assume she meant 21mm. She let the on call OB/GYN, Dr Givlar, know. Dr Givlar then called me and I headed into Now Care to get my HCG shot. When I got home I thought I better start testing for my LH surge and I got a positive. I had planned on having my IUI on Tuesday, I had even requested the day off. But my body had other plans. I called Dr. Gaarnas' nurse, Gina, on Monday morning and she scheduled my IUI for Monday at 1:15. When I went to work on Monday morning I was a little disappointed that I would have to rush to my appointment and rush back. I went to my supervisor, Lexi, and told her what was going on. She immediately told me she would see if she could get coverage so I could just take the day off and work on Tuesday instead. I was able to head home at about 10 am and I took a nap. Brian woke me up to go to my appointment and I felt so rested and relaxed. Nancy, the CNP, that did my IUI was so sweet and upbeat. She insisted that we were close enough to Valentine's Day so this time the IUI was going to work. As I laid on the exam table with my pelvis at a 20 degree angle, I prayed and hoped. After the appointment I went home an napped again. It is amazing how emotionally draining the IUI's are, not only are they a little painful, but hope rushes over me every time. I can't help but think this is it, we did it, but then I have to remind myself not to get to excited. I have learned to shut my self off in fear of disappointment, it doesn't work, I still feel extremely hurt and depressed when the pregnancy test is negative. I cling to the hope that someday, someday soon it will be positive and all of my hurt, sadness and pain will be worth it's weight in gold.

Bring on the HCG meds.

I just got done ordering my HCG shot. I will be going in on Sunday for an ultrasound, where they will measure the size of my follicles and if they are big enough I will have a shot that afternoon. Then the plan is to go in on Tuesday for my 4th IUI. I took the whole day off on Tuesday, it is just so hectic to run to the doctors office, have the IUI, try to eat lunch and then back to work. Way to stressful. We are praying that this will be the lucky IUI and all of our dreams will come true. Brian is home, he was furloughed on Tuesday, and it is really nice to have him here. We are just trying to stay super positive and relaxed. Wish me luck and pray really hard!