Some disappointing news

Today I chatted with the Psychology Department here at the University of Montana. The gentleman gave me lots of helpful information. I then asked Brian to call the Social Worker here in town to make sure that it was ok to use the psychology department, and unfortunately it is not. So we are back to square one and I am disappointed. I am currently at work trying to fight back tears. I was hoping that we would be able to get our Psychology assessment completed before the end of October, but now it looks as though we may not even be ready by the end of the year. I feel like we keep getting slapped in the face and it is frustrating. Brian isn't worried, he keeps telling me we will be fine. He desperately wants to refinance our house, he feels like that would help our finances. I do want to refinance, but it is very frustrating to start yet another process. My frustration is mounting & I feel like we are not going to be able to adopt for a while. I know it is not a race, but we have been on this journey for 6+ years and I am just ready to cross the finish line. I will continue to type my questions and will start to save money for the Psychologist. I will also continue to "prepare my fields for rain" but, right now I feel like someone punched me in the stomach, so it may take a while to recover mentally.

Praying for Rain

So once again I worked myself into a fit, worrying about whether or not Brian & I will ever get the opportunity to become parents, I know, I know, you want to hear something new, well I was a little more proactive! So while I was stressing, crying, and just generally freaking out, Brian explained that he had watched one of his favorite movies, Facing the Giants, for the umpteenth time and a line struck him. I actually googled "Facing the Giants Quote rain" and found a Study guide with the quote below.

"Praying for Rain
Coach Taylor to Mr. Bridges: “I admit to you I have been struggling. But I’ve also been praying. I just don’t see Him at work here.”
Mr. Bridges: “Grant, I heard a story about two farmers who desperately needed rain. And both of them prayed for rain. But only one of them went out and prepared his fields to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send the rain?”
Coach Taylor: The one that prepared his fields for it.”
Mr. Bridges: “Which one are you? God will send the rain when He’s ready. And you need to prepare your field to receive it.”"

So this got me thinking, how does this apply to me, Brian, our adoption process & maybe even our everyday lives? What am I doing to "prepare for rain" in our adoption process? Well the answer to that is....WORRYING! Now you know that is not very productive and I am also aware of that, so in talking with Brian, he suggested I start "preparing for rain" rather than just praying for it. I started typing my questions and have made a plan to type for at least one hour a day. I also had an epiphany and decided to call the University of Montana Psychology Department to see if any of the professors conducted the MMPI and they do! For less than what the general Psychology community offer the test for in Missoula!!!! Can you tell I am excited? I am!!!

So I am preparing for rain and am feeling a lot more optimistic than I was on Monday! God is Good!

Frustration continues

So it has been a while since I blogged, mostly because I had nothing to report. Adoption process is slinking along at an incredibly slow pace, almost a stand still. Brian was furloughed from the Railroad for 6 months and so our income was extremely limited, therefore we could not even think about meeting with the Psychologist and getting our MMPI completed. Brian has been back to work since mid July, but we are still catching up from the lean months. I am shooting to have all of our paperwork, psychologist appointments and Home study fees submitted by the end of the year. But in the mean time my frustration continues to mount. People around me seem to be getting pregnant and giving birth like there is no tomorrow. I am trying to be understanding, supportive and happy, but seriously it is not easy. I have wanted to be a mother for what seems like forever and I am finding that the Adoption process is just as frustrating and heart breaking as trying to conceive and we aren't even that far into the process yet. Brian continues to try to encourage me to be patient and keep a good attitude, but it is very difficult. He is also working on the other side of the State so I am home alone, pondering my loneliness & dealing with all the emotions that seem to flood in at the most inopportune times. Like today for instance, I see a Facebook post stating, "So & So is hasn't been feeling very well lately." and I am instantly upset, angry, irritated and ready to freak out in anticipation for the next post that is going to say, "So & So is pregnant." I don't always feel this volatile when someone announces they are pregnant, but for some reason this time I just feel furious and she hasn't even said she thinks or she is pregnant. I just thought Brian & I would be farther along in our Adoption process by now and I guess my frustration is mounting. Hopefully I will feel a little more at ease very soon, because, I really don't enjoy feeling like this now.