Bittersweet Anticipation

After recently seeing a friend's post on Facebook about one of our mutual friends "being in labor." The announcement is one of great joy & happiness, and as I patiently wait for news of the size, sex, and name, I also feel the pangs of sadness & disappointment. The feelings of disappointment are nothing new, but they become overwhelming & almost unbearable. My heart is broken and I am painfully aware of my situation. I have unexplained infertility and the possibility of me becoming pregnant is unknown. Fear usually follows the disappointment as thoughts of a childless life flood my mind. Brian & I are still planning on going forward with our Adoption plans, but even that seems to be a long way off. We have had to push back our plans so many times in the past months and it has been very discouraging. My patience has definitely been tested and continues to be, as Brian has not been home very much since July. I often feel very much alone in my thoughts and fears. We decided that we will proceed with the Psychological Exam in February/March, when Brian's Profit Sharing check comes in. We will also pay for our Home Study with that check, so we will be on farther along in our process. I am patiently waiting for the months to fly by so I can be "laboring" for my child as well. Although my "labor" maybe longer and more emotionally painful, I look forward to announcing that Brian & I are parents to a beautiful baby. I continue to pray for patience, but it is not easy. I pray for my friend as well, that her labor be short and her baby be very healthy! He will be greatly loved by wonderful caring parents! Congratulations!

Curveballs

So life continues to throw Brian & I curve balls. I previously wrote that Brian would be starting the MRL engineer training program on November 29th, unfortunately it was postponed, until February. He received a letter confirming the postponement 7 days before he was suppose to start. I was devastated, we had lots of plans to work on the house and work on the adoption process while he was training. He would have been home every other day and he would have been training from Missoula. Instead he is working in Laurel/Billings, he is able to come home for a few days every week, but it has become increasingly hard to see him leave. He is working and making money, but with him living in another city our finances have taken another hit. I know I should be thankful that he is still working and has a job, but it is hard when life continues to throw curve balls at our plans. Brian is convinced that we will follow through with our plans to complete the Psychological Evaluation in February and then the Home Study, I on the other hand have become very pessimistic. I have become very depressed and often have horrible panic attacks or just cry myself to sleep as thoughts of hopelessness take over my thoughts. Also as Christmas approaches I am unsure if Brian is even going to be home for Christmas, although he assures me that he will be, and my sadness becomes overwhelming. Our plans to start a family and live our dreams continue to be sidelined and there is nothing I can do about it. I am tired of being told to "hang in there," "be patient," "it could be worse," and the countless other words of "encouragement" I am offered. Maybe I am just becoming bitter, but I have been patient and I know it could be worse, and I am "hanging" in there. What else can I do? I am doing the best I can, and it doesn't seem to be enough.
I am sorry this is a pitty party post, but like I have mentioned before, this is my journal and I have to get it out before I explode.