Another Friend, Another Baby!

My husband and I were shopping today and we ran into a friend of ours. We got to talking with him and he told us he and his girlfriend are having a baby in July. I felt my chest tightening but I smiled and congratulated him. I then excused myself and went to the ladies room. I actually reacted better than I have in the past. I didn't break into tears and start freaking out, but I did feel a little panic. It seems like I am surrounded by pregnant people or significant others of pregnant people. I am happy for them, but it is extremely hard. I think people have a hard time understanding why, and I have a hard time explaining it to them. So I will try to explain it now.

Think about the one thing you have always wanted! Close your eyes and really think about it. Do you see it? It is right in front of you, reach out and try to touch it. You are so close, but you just can't reach it. Look around you now, look at your friends, your loved ones, even complete strangers, they are reaching for the same thing. As you watch them, you see them actually reaching out and touching and pulling, the thing you want most, and holding it close to them. They have it, they have what you want most and you watched them. It was so easy for them and you are still struggling to reach your dream, your wish, your deepest desire. It is painful, it is very painful.

This is what I experience almost everyday. I know there are many women out there that feel the same way I do, but for those that have achieved their dream of pregnancy, they have no idea and they never will.

I sometimes feel very selfish and very self-loathing. I was raised to not be envious of anyone, but I feel envious and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

Last year, close friends of my husband's & mine told us they were expecting a baby. I was happy for them, but was heartbroken at the same time. I remember I cried for weeks every time I thought about it. I remember telling my husband that I need to separate myself from our friends so I could deal with my sadness. He told me that everything would be okay. So I distanced myself, I think I actually fell into a slight depression, I kept to myself and avoided social events that would require me to spend long periods of time with them. I just need space, I was so afraid I would say or do something that I would regret later. I need time, but I slowly came out of my funk and began concentrating on conceiving my own miracle.
Then later in the year another couple told us they were expecting, again I was excited for our friends, but devastated inside. Brian & I had been trying so hard to conceive & it seemed to come so easily for our friends. I again began to withdraw, but realized that I had to buck up and be supportive. I emailed both of my friends and apologized for my behavior, I felt terrible. Both responded, one was very understanding and told me "No Worries," the other sent me a reply that cut me to the core. She felt that I had been completely unfeeling. She told me that I made her and her husband feel guilty for conceiving. She did accept my apology and wanted to make amends. I was deeply hurt, I had never intended to make her feel guilty and my withdrawl from their lives was not an attack on them. It was self preservation. I have often wished that I had reacted differently, but whats done is done. I am happy to say that our friends are still our friends and we are again on the right track. I know our friends, all of our friends, hope that Brian & I conceive a child and they are as supportive as they can be. It is hard for them because they have no idea what we are going through, the doubt, the disappointment and the heartache. Every day I pray and everyday I hope.

A Little about Me and why I am blogging.

So here is a little information about me and why I started blogging.

I am a 30 years old and have been married for 7 1/2 years. It is crazy to look at my wedding pictures and think about that day. Brian & I had so many hopes & dreams. I had so many hopes & dreams. My biggest hope & dream was and still is a child. I have always wanted a child and when I married Brian, I knew I had found my prince charming and the father of my children. When we got married we decided to wait a few years. We wanted to buy a house and enjoy married life for a while. After about two years I wanted to start trying.

7 1/2 years later......We are still trying!
I went to my family doctor about 3 years ago to renew my prescription for Zoloft. It was the first time I had ever meet this particular doctor. He wanted to know why I was on Zoloft and I explained why and mentioned that I had some anxiety about not getting pregnant. He referred me to a OB/GYN that specialized in Fertiltiy problems. I thought, "WHAT! Me, Fertility problems, I don't have fertility problems." Thus began my journey through fertility treatments and disappointments. I had a Hysterosalpinogram and my husband had a complete semen analysis done, and all came out fine. My doctor told me it sounded like we had a Timing and Stress issue. I began taking the drug Femara six months, after my first fertility test. Femara is similar to Clomid. After a few months of just taking Femara, my doctor decided to add FSH & HGC shots to my monthly regimen. My regimen went something like this. Day 1, my period started and I would cry and then buck up. I had a schedule to keep. On Day 3 I would start taking 1 .25mg pill of Femara on until Day 7. On Day 9 I would get a shot of the FSH. (I can't remember the dosage.) Then on Day 12 I would go in and have a Ovarian Scan to check to see if I had mature follicles. If my follicles looked "ripe" I would then get my hCG shot. This hormone ladden cocktail would create a very fertile environment with in my body. I followed this regimen religously for several months with no success. In the mean time several of my friends became pregnant with little to no effort. I stopped treatment after my husband changed jobs and our insurance no longer helped us with the costly treatments. We have been trying without assistance for 10 months. Every month is filled with hope and with devastating disappointment.
I often tell my husband of my fears and disappointment and he reassures me that everything is fine and we WILL be parents soon. Brian is an amazing husband and a great listener, but I feel like I need more of an outlet. I also hope that this blogging process will be a helpful to me and to others, that also feel like they are alone.